Bona Fide Blonde | Single Girl Rant
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Single Girl Rant

Word for the wise: If you can’t handle a bitter and bickering 22-year-old female then you should stop reading now. If, like me, you are single, annoyed and maybe just a tad bit curious then let your eyes process the forthcoming words.

Single. An adjective describing only one, none of several. A noun referring to one person or thing belonging to no group. It’s one of those words that either means you’re standing proud and tall at the top or you’re alone while everyone else posts selfies with their boyfriends on Instagram. Christ, even the damn government wants to know your status. Do non-single people get preferential treatment? Does Passport Canada prefer those who travel in pairs? Ugh, never mind.

I have been single for pretty much my entire life and the guy whose sexual orientation I was not aware of, doesn’t count. Now, this is not to say there haven’t been other men to fill the void. That void being the times where you want to pretend there’s a significant other but you both know that’s not true. How you pick this person is, at times, strategic. There’s a connection that often begins with friendship and not the type where you share each others secrets and braid each others hair. It’s a weird awkward aura that somehow happens and is driven by some sort of sexual desire that you are overwhelmed by and inclined to make poor judgement on. Basically, this is where the single person lands themselves into “messing around” phase and I’ll tell you why this sucks.

People get attached. I’ve done it, you’ve done it (yes, you!) and it ends badly. And don’t kid yourself men, you are the biggest emotional wrecks I have seen,you’re just better at hiding it. Why this sucks is because at the end of the day nothing is accomplished. Your status is still the same and well, fuck, half the time the rest of the world didn’t know that at one point in time this “thing” even existed. Henceforth, still single.

Now, this is not to say that the single life completely sucks it actually is better than being committed sometimes. It gives you the raw excuse of even having an excuse. Behaving badly, making poor decisions and never calling back for six months. In the single world, you can basically fuck up and well, most people will get over it. Keep in mind though your image can’t always be saved.

But again, lives the saying, on to the next one. This is probably omni-handedly the single life mantra.

Some will read this and come to the conclusion that people, like me, are single because they suck or have a weird twitch or “don’t put themselves out there”. Wrong. People are single for two reasons. One, they choose to be. Two, they are picky as fuck, want what they can’t have and are victim to such a critical society. If I had magic powers, trust me when I say, I would be in Santorini sipping cocktails with DiCaprio (this is obviously not the case he prefers size 2 blondes, not 12). So you’re probably wondering, well what will you do? Stay single forever?

I honestly don’t know. I’m not the type of person who’s on the prowl to have a significant other. Some people love knowing there’s someone a phone call a way. While that’s all nice and romantic, I feel that as a single person, who truly doesn’t care about these things, that none of this matters, at this moment. Now this is not to say this won’t all change, but I can’t foretell the future with the major eye roll life I am living right now as a single person in the age of Tinder, Grindr, and whatever the fuck “er” is out there. Apparently people are flipping on Google Maps to hook up with their neighbours. Then you wonder why there’s so many single people? I’m not.

You know, there’s nothing brutal about being single to the point where you want to kill yourself, just slightly gauge at the eyes, but it gives you perspective on how mesmerized people become when they shit themselves into a relationship. I try to steer clear of these people. I don’t even like them in my circle of friends.

Look, I’m all about “love” (whatever that is) and finding your soul mate but the rest of the world doesn’t give a fuck about the damn chocolate bear you got for Valentines this year or the fact that you’re under 32 and getting married. What, everyone wants to change national stats now?

So before you, the pairs of the world, go flaunting your fantastical relationship status maybe remember that once, too, you were single.

The Top Ten Reasons Why Being Single Is Awesome

1. You do what you want, when you want

2. You save money on special holidays (Birthday’s, Christmas, Anniversary, etc.)

3. You can actually go out and have fun

4. You have more friends

5. You don’t have to care (or at least pretend to) about someone else

6.  At the movies, you pick what YOU want to watch

7.  You’re living the dream

8.  Go on as many dates as you want with different people

9. No space sharing

10.  More time to work on you!

 

The Top Ten Reasons Why Being Single Sucks

1. At a wedding you’re most likely to be seated at the singles table

2. People try to set you up

3. Other couples annoy you

4. Your parents begin to wonder if they’ll have grandchildren

5. It gets lonely

6. You have no one important to compliment you/make you feel better

7.  The McDonald’s “Two Can Dine”  coupon becomes “One Can Wine” and the next thing you know your eating the whole menu solo

8.  You don’t celebrate Valentines

9.  You take less care of yourself

10. You’ll never fully enjoy watching The Notebook

So, either way you toss it life is yet again against you. So for all the single people out there, myself included, you are technically not alone. We are basically a global cult of people who enjoy spending Saturday nights watching Sex and the City with Ben and Jerry’s.

So, for all the single people out there, know that you’re not a stand alone person in this category, as odd as that sounds.

So if you do take any advice from me today let it be this:

You can succumb to being category five girlfriend crazy, it’s okay. But, when an asshole comes your way, let them walk. They won’t call or text for months, so don’t bother caring. If they expect you to change for them, tell ’em to take a hike because doing so is just setting yourself up for disaster. When all else fails, remember: You have NOTHING to lose.(your dignity, maybe, just a little).

-C.

**this post is not to offend anyone, the thoughts, words and opinions are solely my POV **

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