26 Apr Short Open Letters: Romance
You ever sit at a wedding by yourself, seeing all the couples dance, and think to yourself: what the fuck? I have, plenty of times.
The thoughts spin around my head like peoples feet on the dance floor. The sparks fly through the touches between their embraces, the music sounds slowly as your eyes sway with their movements and your mind travels at fast speed. I begin to imagine what romance would feel like. Does it feel the same for all these couples? Will it feel different for me?
Perhaps I’m afraid of the idea because I am afraid of love. I think, at times, its impossible for someone like me. It’s a peculiar thing really as I would testify to my adoration of romance. The relationship I have with the idea is unusual and in part a reflection of my superficial desires fetched from films. I imagine a world where somewhere Harry and Sally meet, Noah and Allie live together forever and by some miracle Sam and Annie meet on-top of the Empire State Building. It’s cheesy and hopeless but I believe in it.
Then suddenly after time passes I stop feeling like the characters in a film and find myself again dissecting romance as something foreign. I could never grasp how people can lose sense of themselves when giving themselves entirely to another. Perhaps it’s the bitterness of being unable to relate, but then I quietly remember that romance is built between the foundations of two people. It is not something genetically handed to you and I realize we all learn through experience in our own ways and maybe, just maybe, my experience is learning through a lens. The sights and sounds of what I see. One does not live and die to not be able to experience this feeling, the wanting to be wanted.
Despite my own misfortunes, however, I believe romance is not dead. But I do wonder, time and time again, what really is romance?
Is it the dinner dates, the written notes, the sexual desires, the wanting of being with another? Perhaps. While I cannot answer the question to any scientific acclaim or personal glory I can speak to the ways that have been presented to me. To begin I start by looking into love which, to me, is the involuntary act of having a deep affection for someone else. Romance on the other hand is the excitement associated with the latter. Romance is validation that your deep affection is real and very much alive. It’s our yearning to feel wanted, lose control and express something. Romance is the visual trigger for the love we keep inside. It’s the way someone gazes into your eyes, the way you feel when you hear their name and the familiar essence of them when you smell their scent. If I’m sounding feeble its because I’ve watched too many movies.
Above all, having been single for too long, I’ve come to terms with the idea of romance. I’ve begin to feel more comfortable with accepting that perhaps it’s not for everyone to experience. I’ve been able to teach myself that I am to be put first before another. Through this I can reflect on myself as a wanderer in this world who’s eyes are open to possibility. While romance is still in my deck of cards, I try to keep the vexation of not finding it tucked away in my mind. I ease the thought of trying to unravel why I can’t seem to find reality in romance by realizing romance is a story between two people that may be reminiscent of another but never quite exactly the same. It’s then that I perceive romance as an experience, one that can happen at any stage in your life. It’s not something one should feel left out of and it’s not something that lands onto your door step. Like luck, it happens by chance and trying.
Until then, I continue my solo journey of discovering myself and who I will become on this earth and assure you that romance is not something you should lose sleep over.